What If
This is an archived blog from 2011. Return to the blog home to read other posts from In the Family Way.
It's something we can't help but think about what happens if B-Mom changes her mind. It happens. It just happened to two couples we know from Sarah's support group.
We went to the monthly support group meeting excited to tell everyone our good news and to see the new babies that would be there. But this time, in addition to the joy, there were two heartbreaking stories of loss. Twice in the last few weeks, birthmothers changed their mind about their adoption plan after their baby was born. It's a risk anyone takes when entering into an adoption, but there's nothing you can do to prepare for it.
Sarah has seen this before, of course. She said that if there were a pattern to it, a formula to avoid, she would avoid it to ensure that no one experiences the loss. But as one of the women whose adoption fell through said: Someone's heart is broken every time there is an adoption; this time it happened to be hers. It's an amazing attitude to have when your initial instinct might be anger, resentment, or worse.
Just after we were matched, a friend asked me if I was going to get excited about the match and tell everyone; what if it didn't work out? My answer surprised me. I said that I was going to embrace the experience of making this baby's life better, even if I didn't end up being his mother. I would embrace the experience of getting to know and help B-Mom. And if that was the extent of my involvement in the baby's life, I would have to be satisfied with that. I would have to believe that our child was still out there waiting for us.
Of course, I would be disappointed. But we all have dealt with disappointment. You just have to pick yourself up and move on. After a suitable mourning period. And lots of wine.
The fact is, there is nothing more than a verbal agreement between us and B-Mom at this point. No documents are signed until B-Mom is released from the hospital, at which point she has 30 days to change her mind for any reason. She also can choose to agree to a 24-hour period rather than 30 days. This option is presented to her by her social worker. It's her choice, and we have no say in the matter.
Everyone is vulnerable in adoption. You have to open your heart and trust that things will go as planned. We cannot forget the difficult position B-Mom is in. And we accept that everything is her choice. We pray that we are not the ones with the broken heart, and we mourn that she may be the broken-hearted one. But we all act out of love for the baby.
Here he is, getting ready to make his debut on November 18th.
This is an archived blog from 2011. Return to the blog home to read other posts from In the Family Way.