The Money Question
This is an archived blog from 2011. Return to the blog home to read other posts from In the Family Way.
We are in the final countdown. A week from today is my last day of work for a few months, and we just put together our last piece of baby gear. Baby clothes are laundered. Bottles and pacifiers are sterilized. All that's left is buying diapers and formula, something I will do online this weekend. It's been a whirlwind of "nesting" in the four weeks since we got the call that a Birthmother has chosen us.
Rob was convinced that this would happen quickly for us. I, on the other hand, was convinced that we would have months to prepare and months to save for a baby. As most of you know, adoption is not cheap. Yes, adopting from the foster care system (or adopting a special needs child) can be nearly cost-free, but we chose a private adoption, and the costs are very real. Even so, babies are expensive, needy little creatures, and we all want to provide the best if we can. Our baby will be no exception to that. How do you afford the cost of adoption without sacrificing the future?
For people who cannot conceive naturally, the cost of bringing a baby home can be astronomical. No one likes to talk about it; it feels kind of wrong to even write about it, but no one really knows the commitment it takes to just get to this point. So I am just going to put it out there for the sake of education: adoption is very, very expensive.
It's a common question early on in the process: how am I supposed to pay for this? Our facilitator has a quick answer for anyone who asks about the cost of adoption: You probably spent more on your car, right?
Well, I get to finance my car, right?
There is no financing option in an adoption. Agencies, facilitators, attorneys, and social workers all get paid upfront. There are many sources that make recommendations on how to find the money for adoption, including tapping into your 401k, bake sales, borrowing from friends and relatives, credit cards, home equity loans, garage sales, etc... Seriously, a garage sale? I don't mean to offend or judge, but that's just not me.
Few employers offer adoption assistance (Rob's employer does offer a little help). There is a federal tax credit, and many agency fees are on a sliding scale, but for most two-income professional households, those benefits do not apply. It was very frustrating to realize that we didn't qualify for any of this help. Rob is the son of immigrants and I am the daughter of a cop, both with solidly middle-class upbringings. It was a shock to realize that hard work and success disqualified us from the help that others would get.
In the end, it's a big financial commitment that can cost $25,000 or more. And if you are a couple that tried multiple in vitro fertilization (IVF) procedures at $15,000 per cycle, the cost of bringing home a child is out of reach for many. The process can leave you feeling guilty, vulnerable, judged, and unworthy because you are unable to bear a child.
We were lucky that we decided early on that we didn't want to pursue egg donation ($7,000/cycle) and IVF. I've been through a lot physically with cancer surgery and chemotherapy, and I didn't want to medicalize our family-building. Plus there was no guarantee that I could successfully carry a child. We investigated many ways to adopt—internationally, through the foster care system, private attorney, agency, and facilitator—and decided on the way that felt right, which was a facilitator, and accepted the cost that went along with our choice.
Rob and I are also lucky that we are financially compatible. We are both savers who don't splurge or live beyond our means. We work very hard, we rarely travel, and we managed to save a lot since we married. This allowed us to buy a house and finance an adoption in the last 18 months. There is also some greater guidance happening. I was laid off in 2009. I found a job quickly, so the generous severance package I received helped with a down payment on the house. And my dad's estate was finally settled with the sale of his house in New Jersey in September, which has helped with the adoption expenses. (Thanks, Mom and Dad - I knew you were behind this the whole time!)
In the end, everyone will tell you that it doesn't matter how much it costs. The minute you hold your baby, look into his eyes, and have his tiny hand grasp your finger, it's worth every penny, every tear, every disappointment, and every heartache to get to that point. I don't doubt that for a second.
This is an archived blog from 2011. Return to the blog home to read other posts from In the Family Way.