Forms for the Fourth
This is an archived blog from 2011. Return to the blog home to read other posts from In the Family Way.
For this long holiday weekend, we set a goal to complete not only our large packet of forms but also a first draft of our "Dear Birthmother" letter. So by noon today, we were set up at the local cafe, three copies of each form (his, hers, and the official set) ready to go. I imagined we would sit there all day, indulging in the cafe's $3 mimosa special, and linger over our answers. But when Rob ordered lemonade and asked if I knew what I wanted to eat, I knew he was not looking to linger. While I do appreciate his "get it done" attitude, sometimes I wish he was more of an "enjoy the journey" person like me. It's the balance that makes us work well together, but at times like this, it can make me a little cranky.
Once my mimosa arrived, however, I thought, "Too bad for him" and moved on.
The first set of forms is fairly straightforward: who we are, what we do for a living, and mundane info like that. Soon, however, the questions got tougher.
The first stickler is financial: salary, investments, home value, etc. One of the first things you learn when you start exploring adoption is that it's expensive, easily $15,000 to $25,000 or more. And you cannot walk into a bank and ask for a "family expansion loan". It takes cash upfront. Oddly enough, I don't think you ever have to prove definitively that you can afford adoption at any point during the process.
This form, however, was not to determine our ability to afford the expenses. This form was detailed information should a birthmother question our financial stability. This can be a slippery slope of assumptions if you don't understand its purpose.
In today's open adoptions, birthparents and adoptive parents make an "adoption plan" or agreement sometime before the child is born. Sarah tries to make a match around the sixth month of pregnancy. Once that match is made, the birthmother may need some kind of financial assistance in the time leading up to the birth. She could need help with transportation to and from doctor's appointments, insurance or medical help, or even rent or money for food. If she does need help, she can ask the adoptive parents for that help if it is directly connected to the healthy birth of the child. This process is done through an escrow account, monitored by an attorney, and we can approve any and all payments.
Sarah, as well as other agencies and attorneys we spoke with told us that the budget for this fund should be $5,000, but that it's not often used.
With that touchy form completed, we moved on to the others. We are asked to share a lot of our life with a birthmother as a part of this process. We have forms to explain details about our families, childhood, support system, plans for childcare after the adoption, infertility issues, general health history and why we want to adopt. It's exhausting. But it is also a good chance to explain the things that make you unique compared to other potential adoptive parents. We second-guess every answer, and agonize over each word and each revelation. No couple is perfect. We can only hope that we "fit" someone's idea of an ideal family.
I guess it is a bit like a competition. where you want to make sure that the birthmother understands you and your life so that she can find the family that she can trust to raise the child she is carrying. All of these facts and explanations start to paint a picture of us as a family, a family that a birthmother can see her child being a member of someday.
As a potential adoptive parent, it's easy to feel like you have none of the rights in this situation and that the birthmother has all of the control. And perhaps I would feel that way if I didn't have the chance to see adoption from all sides: as an adopted person, the daughter of adoptive parents, and the sister of a birthmother.
So with the forms done, we now move on to the "Dear Birthmother" letter which will be the first thing a birthmother will ever see about us. No pressure there!
This is an archived blog from 2011. Return to the blog home to read other posts from In the Family Way.