Love is Thicker Than Blood
This is an archived blog from 2011. Return to the blog home to read other posts from In the Family Way.
I forget that some folks are challenged by the concept of adoption. And there are many assumptions about what it is and what it is not. I was reminded of that last evening as we had Rob's mother over for dinner.
There's an entire vocabulary associated with adoption these days. I assumed that some terminology was widespread and generally understood: birthmother, birth father, and birth family are all common and I use them without explanation. Some people are moving towards terminology such as "First Mother" and the like, but I am not quite there yet. First Mother sounds more like a spiritual/nature-centric way to refer to the Earth. However when, during the conversation, my wonderful mother-in-law used terms like "real mother" and "natural mother" I realized that our family needs some time and education about adoption.
I was adopted as an infant, as was my older brother. Neither of us remembers a time when didn't know we were adopted. My parents were open and honest from the beginning, so there was never a shocking reveal or upsetting "serious talk" about where their two eldest children came from. So besides my own experience, my sister, who was the biological offspring of my parents, placed a baby for open adoption nearly 20 years ago. As a family, we've been surrounded by adoption for a very long time.
Because of that, I forget that adoption can be a new and challenging concept for people who have no experience with it. Adoption can challenge the perception of what defines family, and what dictates the bond of mother and child.
Thanks to my amazing parents (note, I did not say "adoptive parents", nor was I ever once referred to as their "adopted daughter") I have never doubted that a mother's unconditional love and a father's undying devotion needed a blood bond. I have never once been anything less than a "full-blooded" Tiernan to my large, extended family of aunts, uncles, and cousins. And I don't think people who were raised by "blood" feel any more love or were any more loved than I do. That's why it surprises me that some people want to make a distinction between "real" or "natural" and "adopted" families as if the family a child is adopted into is any less real or natural than the family they were born into.
Understandably, this is a very sensitive issue, especially in the first tenuous months as everyone is getting adjusted to their new lives. I have tremendous respect and admiration for women who choose to make an adoption plan when they find themselves faced with an unplanned pregnancy. And I respect their desire to be recognized for the sacrifices they make. I also know from my sister's experience, that it is very healing to be assured of the child's upbringing through photos, letters, and visits. But part of making an adoption plan is accepting that they are granting full parental rights to the family they have chosen to adopt their baby. Adoption is not co-parenting.
Terms like "birthmother" and "birthparents" signify the special place that they will hold in a child's life, forever, and are respectful to everyone involved in the "adoption triad". Terminology like "real parents" or "first parents" can be used to signify the adoptive parents as second-choice or "not real" parents. It's a sensitive subject and one that everyone, including the extended families on both sides of the process, needs to be sensitive to.
Ultimately, it was Rob who gently corrected his mother when she used less-than-sensitive language. I reminded her that adoption is a positive experience, a choice made out of love on both sides, and I am proof of that. I have to remember that this journey is not just Rob's and mine but is a journey for the entire family. My mother-in-law is fiercely maternal, a born mother, and I do not doubt that she will bring that same passion and devotion to her next grandchild.
Here is a story from The Times of India about the increase in adoption in India. It captures some of the reasons why people choose to adopt. It's not always infertility.
This is an archived blog from 2011. Return to the blog home to read other posts from In the Family Way.